Shamsi

When Kate approached me in June about her project, I jumped on board willingly.  I forget sometimes how quickly time passes when your days and weeks are filled will constant events.  Four months has passed quickly, especially considering we didn’t even begin her project until the middle of August.

We have not practised every week.  I did not keep up with my journal entries very responsibly; leaving many unfinished entries half written on the computer with plans of “returning to finish them later.”  But I really wanted to thank Kate for all that this project has given me.

It is one thing to have a personal practise.  You are accountable to no one but yourself.  And that by itself is a loaded statement.  One to which I will return later.  A group practise or even a ‘duet practise’ means that each person is not only in some way accountable for themselves, but also to one another.  I have put more than several hours/days/months/years of thought into the concept of ‘doing for others before I will do for myself.’  Earlier this year I was completely enchanted by Cheryl Richardson’s book The Art of Extreme Self Care.  This topic is beyond the simple idea of knowing that we should take care of ourselves first, if for nothing else than that we are healthy enough to take care of others and give to them fully when required (I’ve always likened this to the airline spiel of “If you are with a child, put your oxygen mask on first and then the child’s.”  I believe Ms. Richardson makes the same comparison.)  Regardless, it’s always amazing to me how much many of us will put off doing for ourselves, but do the exact thing we might wish to do (for ourselves) for another.  Amazing. 

Ah well, totally off topic for this post.  Kate asked me to help, I thought it was wonderful and I was glad not only to comply, but that I did comply.  We’ve had an amazing experience (adventure?). 

This Saturday marks the end of Kate’s project.  She must present her findings and our work to her advisors.  We are both ridiculously excited and she’s said she doesn’t even care about the mark she gets because the work that we are doing and will be able to share with others is so important, opens so many avenues that just having done it will have been worth it in the long run.  Fair enough.  I am excited for the same reasons, but also for her success, because the project has been successful, I think more so than we first imagined.

Kate asked if we could meet last night so that she could film our session in case there were any glaring technical difficulties Saturday when we have a live session for her advisors.  Initially we were supposed to meet at 6PM my time (CST), which would have been midnight her time.  As I was arriving home she texted to ask if we could push it back a full 6 hours.  At first I was hesitant because I had already been awake since 4AM, but then it seemed like a great idea because I would have a chance to breathe and relax for a bit (a six-hour bit!)

The SessionI have meticulously set up camera, laptop (where the Skype software lives) and my space in anticipation of Kate’s call.  Tonight I take no chances with the iffy wireless connection and plug my laptop directly into the router.

Kate rings through and I answer.  She is blurry; blurry because it is 5:59AM on her side of the line.  I laugh and tell her good morning.  She is adjusting and finding the best angle for her video camera so that my little image on her laptop can be included in the recording.  We discuss music; her iTunes was updated and flakey so I offer suggestions from what is currently on my iPod.  As I look she talks about the outline she would like to do.  She has approximately 45 minutes for her live presentation with me Saturday, so she will film 40 minutes of us.  She tells me that she would like to do 10 minutes of Opening Sequence, followed by 10 minutes of Hand Dancing that has a Repetition and Evolution theme, then 10 minutes of Free Dance based on level changes and finally 10 minutes of Witness Dancing (5 minutes for each of us.)  I roll through the music on the iPod and come to Gino D’Auri’s “Passion Play” which is a CD of four lengthy, powerful songs – 46:08 minutes exactly.

Kate finishes adjusting lighting and the video camera from her side and asks me if I will lead the opening… I was going to offer since she looked so out of it.

I hit play and position myself in front of my camera and begin.  Even though it is after midnight, I begin to feel energized and realise that we are very likely going to have a deep session this morning.  I wasn’t exactly paying attention to the time, depending more on the fact that I knew where the changes were in the music – how long each track was.  I stayed longer in the opening sequence than I had intended, but each section was not only necessary, but lasted exactly as long as it was needed… which is ultimately the point.

For days my sticky hip (yes, the same sticky hip) has been acting up and going so far as to cause my knee problems.  My left Iliotibial band, occasionally pushed beyond its limits from too much hip work in bellydance or simply from standing improperly, has made its presence and its annoyance known.  The forward bends and backward extensions felt good and I moved slowly through them, always aware that Kate moves more slowly than I do; an attempt to match her.  Forward and back again into the twist this time, but slowly, deliberately, aware that my lower back and hip are not only connected, but trying to feel more deeply into that connection.  Forward and back gives way to circular motions, back and around, front down and across, repeating, then reversing eventually stopping at the ‘back’ of the movement.  I lay my forearms on the floor and widen the stance of my feet and I inhale, opening into the side stretching sequence.  On the exhale I collapse into my center, elongating from the base of my shoulder to pull my arm around and down, gently pushing to the other side.  As I transition from the left to the right side I feel my spine and hip release, popping loudly.  The continual inhale – side open, exhale – collapse continues fluidly, slowly, deliberately and so do the releases in my hips and spine.  I think this is where I stayed to long… ah well.  Into a gentle seated-spinal-twist with an exhale as I allow my head and spine to roll down toward my foot, inhaling as I move from my waist to draw the movement upward, like a gentle whip, my head lolling at the end of the motion.

The track changes, we have been in the opening for at least 12 minutes.  I transition to a cross-legged sitting position and motion to Kate that we are going to begin the hand dances.

Right hand on top facing down, left hand inches away facing up, directly in front of my solar plexus and I can feel the energy crackle down my spine and arms into the awaiting palms of my hands.  I keep in mind that Kate wishes to use this as a ‘repetition and evolution’ exercise as well.  I make circles from my elbows, then shoulders, all the while feeling the connection with Kate intensify and deepen.  I have a vague awareness of the clock on the computer screen and at 5 minutes tell Kate to take over.  As I follow Kate I realize how much longer her repetition lasts… and think about my own hasty changes, about my reluctance to stay with a single move for more than 1 minute at a time.  But we’re working against time aren’t we?  45 minutes versus the process that is the unfolding of Dancemeditation.  Is this Dancemeditation… this is a demonstration?

I continue to follow Kate, sometimes she is too close to the camera and her hands move out of the picture.  I look at her shoulders and think how like following Dunya from the back of the room this is… translating movement by not watching the movement.

It is strange, thrilling, exciting, ground-breaking… for me anyway.

After Kate’s 5 minutes are up I let her know that we will begin the next sequence, three levels.

Kate moves to a prone position and I remain seated.  The Flamenco guitar seems easier to engage with my arms and torso.  I remember that we are filming this and attempt to maintain some sort of ‘center’ in front of the camera.  I find myself caring and not caring about this as the music takes control and I want to move and breathe into the strumming, the clapping.  Now that my hips are free I find my legs wrapping around my body (swastika positions), pushing myself up and forward, crawling.  My spine free, I lift and arch further and further back, enjoying the deep openings created from the exaggerated stretches.  As always, I know my movement has been affected by watching Kate, moving with Kate.  Sometimes I am very slow and pleased to drag through the motion… enjoying each tiny weight shift as I move back and forth across the floor.  This is only 3 1/2 minutes too short.  I move to the floor position, I do not know where Kate is, but it does not matter – it takes all of my attention to remain, lying on the floor with this music going on.  My legs explore wide openings while swiveling from my hips, opening and closing like scissors and then tucking tightly into my chest.  I roll, opening my spine and sides to the floor, finally rolling onto my stomach and stretching deeply, as though my stomach will take a bite out of the floor.  My head and neck feel release as I roll my forehead back and forth across the floor, and then again from my forehead to the crown on the top of my head, slowly, incrementally, opening and closing the vertebra in my neck.  3 1/2 minutes… no – 4 (I wasn’t paying very close attention to the time.)  Finally standing I let my arms fly away from my body, twisting at my waist and feeling loose all over.  Slow movements take over and I see my breath, all of my movements originating from and returning down a path created by my breath.  Breath “The Alpha and the Omega” of this work.  I can feel how my breath has deepened.  I can feel how the air filling my lungs leaves a heavier, viscous feeling in my chest and belly, yet hollow and vacant at the same time?  Always a strange feeling.  All too soon our ”3 Level” time is over and I call back Kate’s attention.

I am still amazed that we have not lost our Skype connection through any of this.

We move into the witness dancing.  Kate moves first.  Her body, even though just waking, is fluid (at least in appearance.)  There are butterflies in my stomach as I watch her move – excited butterflies.  Her slow-liquid state draws me in and I very nearly loose my self-awareness.  At the end of her five minutes I call time.  She is slow to come out of her state, five minutes is never enough time for anything in this practise.  She says she will watch the clock for me and I turn up the volume on the music.  My dance is in turns wild and ecstatic then soft and thoughtful.  I can feel all of these spaces inside of me… like drilling through striations in a large piece of rock and hitting different ‘pockets’ of air/sand/concrete.  Elation.

Kate calls me back to the present and I stagger to a halt.  We are both overjoyed at this session.  She laughs and says “You must be exhausted.”  I am laughing because I am now so jazzed I wonder at how I will sleep.

Friday now for both of us, we will meet again tomorrow for the witnessing by her advisor.  I am enveloped by a sense of fuzziness and warmth as we wish one another good night /day.

Wishcasting has meant a number of things to me recently.  A steady practice, it happens every Wednesday.  Community, I have this where I am, but here I feel…beautifully anonymous? Kind of.  Being witnessed, a Dancemeditation practice of which I am very fond, but hardly get to do.

Wishcasting also means I am asked questions, such seemingly simple questions, that often rock me to the core of who I think I am/was before I read Ms. Ridler’s prompt.  Jamie Ridler (on Twitter @starshyne) each Wednesday opens a beautiful space with a single wishing prompt (question) for anyone who would like to join a group of lovely souls who so graciously and respectfully support one another in breathing sparkly, glittery life into each person’s wish.

And so it is Wednesday, and I revel at the auspiciousness of Wednesday and “W”s.

I’m not sure why this keeps coming back into my head, but I am attaching this YouTube link for a Sesame Street cartoon from my youth (I don’t remember how youthful…please don’t ask   ‘W’! is for WILLLLHELMINA!  I think today’s “YAY ME!” put this little gem back in my head, I’d been free of it for about a week now, but “YAY ME!” has some bizarre stuff for my psyche.

It has taken me the better part of 18 years to accept compliments.  I used to (I guess I still) do things that would single me out, set me apart from others in certain realms (athletics in particular) and this caused me no end of heartache growing up.  I was unable to accept compliments graciously because somewhere…somehow, on the backside of the compliment, there it was, some-one’s ire… just waiting for me.  I mentally attached doing well and receiving recognition with becoming an outcast, or worse the subject of attention that was not always ‘good.’  People thought I was arrogant. They were right, I was, but I didn’t realize that’s what I was.   My lesson was a long time effort; learning the difference between, arrogance and just being happy I did something well.

So, I guess (as distainful as it feels to do?) I ‘d like to acknowledge myself for the following, and not necessarily in any order of importance or value:

• For learning to graciously accept compliments without letting them go to my head or beating myself up later.
• For struggling with and maintaining personal relationships when I get frustrated and feel it would be easier to walk away.
• For stepping out of my “Angel” closet and acknowledging that I have gifts I’ve hidden my whole life.
• For continuing to hit my wall, look at my demons, and still move forward, push through and not loose my mind… entirely.
• For owning a business that serves a community in a singular way.
• For (as Tabitha said) wearing my heart on my sleeve and being okay with that.
• For learning what pushes my buttons, understanding why and being able to recognize when it’s happening and stop myself from reacting when it does.
• For reaching out and finding new friends and acknowledging that I need to let go of some old friends.
• For not beating myself up every time I miss a deadline or make a mistake.
• For maintaining an evolving, self-revealing and often challenging life-relationship of 16 years that has spanned at least 4 different versions of myself.
• (As Holly said) For simply continuing to show up.
• For through these blogs, continually showing you all ALL of the sides of me without hesitation or regret… and continuing to show up even after I go to bed with the chilling voice in my head saying “You wrote whaaat?”

And so it is.  Thank you Wishcasters, Dreamweavers and Sparkly Souls.

And if you haven’t particpated yet… What is it that you would like to be acknowledged for?

~Shamsi~The Acknowledged.

In the strange and beautiful world that is Dancemeditation, I find it comforting that movement is not necessarily for viewing, and consequently does not have to be stunning or beautiful.  I also frequently find myself reverting to the child-like curiosity that is simple exploration; without real aims or goals, just exploring for the sake of discovery.  Sunday’s movement practice was not where I intended to go, but ultimately it was where we needed to go.  I found myself again delighting in the fact that as I grow, I have learned better to ‘listen.’

Our opening sequence was followed by breath associated movement, all of which was slow, low-key and heavy with energy that did not necessarily want to move.  I had blindfolds, which I eventually asked the movers to put on, but even this did not seem confining enough.  The room still felt ‘too big’ for just the three of us.  Eventually we moved to the silk veils, R & A each choosing vibrant red veils, and I pulled out a stark white one…I just felt that contrast to be interesting.  We moved, thoughtfully, beneath the veils, moving and holding a pose, all of us (we discovered later) with our eyes closed because it seemed to hold the energy closer to us.  I kept having the distinct feeling that it was a rainy day and we were little kids playing tent underneath the dining room table.

Later we witnessed danced…hanging onto the veils like security blankets, but it just seemed right.  With the heaviness of the day, the veils held our energies close to us, allowing more freedom of movement than not.

This morning, again, it was cold in the house.  I’ve never been so grateful for the opening sequence as in my last few personal practices.  5:15AM is harsh on my body and it doesn’t want to *DO* anything.  Breathing in, exhaling-folding forward, inhaling-pulling up, exhaling-rocking backward and sinking down.  Somewhere in the middle of that the sequence changed itself.  I did not then statically twist and bend as would be typical for me, but proceeded to bend forward and then circled around: left knee, left back, across the back, right back, right knee.  This continued and then into the opposite direction.  There was no thought about this; my spine simply told me that this was necessary.  The spine wanted my focus this morning to begin; its insistence that it needed gentle circular movement gave way to everything else.  The opening continued to morph…into what my body needed in the cold, early morning.

Later, standing, I felt “Ya Hadi” and there it was, consistently chanting in my head.  “Ya Hadi,” three syllables – it felt good to do three beat movements that allowed my body to feel the same on each side as we walked forward Right, left, right – stepping back, Left, right, left.  Symmetry.

The personal practice in contrast to the group practice:

Yesterday we made our way back to the group practice after a month’s sabbatical.  We ended the session yesterday with group witness dancing.  There were only four of us, so we worked with the two-on-two dynamic.

This is just an observation about witnessing and how changed my movements feel versus being witnessed by myself or by The One.  Yesterday felt like an explosion that needed to be seen.  I did headstands that fell gracefully (surprisingly) into splits that then rotated around me, my hips sliding effortlessly in their sockets.  I bounced off of the wall (literally) and rolled against it in the need for vertical feedback.  I careened toward the floor and pulled myself short in a lunge that defied gravity.  I needed for someone to see this, my soul needed it…my body just went along.

This morning, the gentleness of my movements, the consistent repetition and evolution gave way to peaceful thoughts that mirrored my body’s need for respect, attention to detail and fluidity.

Allowing myself to be my own witness, I saw myself with compassion and allowed the thought, “how must I see myself through other’s eyes?”