Shamsi

I have been in and out of the Wishcasting for the last couple of months.  It was not intentional… things just happen.  Today Jamie’s prompt (deceptively simple as ever) is “What is your winter wish?”

I read the prompt, an odd thing occurred.  I decided I wanted to participate.  I opened a new post and typed the header.  Then I sat, looked at the prompt and went off to do other work.  My world (almost imperceptibly) began to shift.  A creeping awareness overtook my body.  There was no great ‘Aha! That’s it!’  just a gentle knowing.  A peaceful contemplation that began with a tingling in my head, which then spread to my spine and across my lower back, finally settling in my legs and arms; sensory knowing.

I kept coming back to the prompt.  Each time I re-read “What is your winter wish?” I received images, feelings, emotions… no words.  This odd thing of which I speak… it is not nameable… it is not foreign… it is though, a space, a place I find myself maybe once or twice a year, if I am fortunate.

I find myself open.  The feeling inside me is ‘OPEN’, ‘VAST’, empty like a large white hilly field covered with snow before the geese find it.  Pristine.  I’m not sure why, but words have failed me of late.  I cannot grasp a word, just the feeling of it.  I cannot speak, but instead mime and give descriptions of what I would like the words to be.   I know these things all sound disjointed, and even unrelated, but they are not.

When I reach inside myself and feel around for the light switch, I realize it is already on, but there is so much to see, feel, experience, I need a spot light to shine deep into the corners and crevices.

My winter wish… is simply to be in this oddly warm, ever unfolding state of the vast, open, expanses of my interior.  I wish to experience each little thing that comes up, like a gardener or a zoo keeper tending each flower or bird that resides within their care.  I wish to witness all that is within me, all that I feel within me.  I resist the urge to ‘dump’ all of this out for examination and judgement of each piece.  Instead, I witness and in the dreamy way our bodies perceive, I give myself over to life. 

Sunshine Sneaux December 08

I could not find the "Mother Earth Father Sky" picture I keep filed away in my head... but this one says much

Jamie… the wise and wonderful (assuming of course we are in OZ… we are in OZ? Aren’t we asks us today – “What do you wish to embrace?”

Which is really funny, because on waking this morning I had a very vivid dream that I opened her website this morning (I even saw an inset picture of her flying across the landscape) and the wishcasting prompt was “ANYTHING GOES – Wish for Anything!”

LOL – so, today, I open the page and though I did fully expect my dream to materialize as I saw it… it was not far off.  “What do you wish to embrace?”  And so today, I wish for everything, I wish to Embrace the World – and buy it a coke… if I didn’t think cokes would be bad for everyone.  But I digress.

Last night I watched Frontline - it was the story of Neda, the Persian girl killed in Tehran while walking back to her car during the election protests this past June.  I had not intended to watch it, I was very disturbed and upset while watching it, yet I watched.  And I prayed.  I did not pray for peace, I simply prayed for everyone in the whole world to come to a place of understanding that we could live and let live.  I don’t think it’s impossible – I can’t believe it’s impossible – on this count, I fully embrace HOPE that we as a race of humans, of two-legged, can learn to understand that we are all ONE.

And so today, I embrace EVERYTHING – because I know it is possible.  Because I know the human spirit is infinite and we are so much larger than our everyday problems, fears, ambitions and desires… we have the capability to embrace Everything within our beings, and that includes each other.

Aho.

Lafitte State Park, Louisiana

I’ve been out of the loop for a few weeks, attempting to be IN my job, rather than simply at it.  But today has been quiet on all fronts and in reading Jamie’s prompt today I realized there are many things I wish to experience right now.  And I would like to wish for the underlying theme of all of those wishes, which is ‘Contentment.’

I’ve been really thinking lately not only about the world I wish to create, but just as importantly, the world I have created; even if I have not been vocal about this to anyone but The Man (Shelly).  The world I wish to create involves my mind being at peace while still allowing for the wild rides I occasionally take and the beautiful influx of people into my life.  My world should still encompass learning and teaching and loving and laughing, but not at the expense of my sanity.

I wish to understand fully my motivations so as to allow the appropriate people, help and guidance into my world.  I want my cake and to eat it too … without the bitterness of complications as a result of creating things out of the wont of my Ego, that are not for my highest or best good.

I wish for the contentment of my heart’s desires being perfectly in alignment with my Divine Purpose.

Photo Credit: Paul B. Goode - Dancemeditation at the Metropolitan Building

As Jamie asks our souls each Wednesday to dare for our deepest wishes, so too do I ask you…. What Luxury do you wish for?

“You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.”

At first my brain went to a big plush bed, big, tall mahogany sleigh bed with a curled over headboard and footboard, crisp white sheets and a thick comfy mattress….  Then my brain turned toward my dream bathroom (don’t we all have one?)  Tall ceiling, almost the feel of a solarium or atrium, high windows, a big round window with maybe some stained glass?  A large clawfooted tub… and yes, my dream bathroom would have a bidet

But then I remembered my current situation and I realized that the biggest luxury I wish for is freedom…

I simply wish for the luxury to do what I wish, when I wish… and all that encompasses.

Natya Angeli" performance... definitely the hardest thing I've ever learned.

I sometimes wonder if the picture I have of Jamie, sitting knees tucked up against the desk, cup of tea in her hands, looking thoughtfully over the cup as she proofs her blog before she hits ‘publish’, little glowing-red horns sticking up out of her hair is a fair or adequate picture?  I swear sometimes that woman is out to make our brains spasmodically flop around like landed-fish.

This is all rather unfair, I know what Jamie is.  Outside of amazing, she is also a catalyst.  I recognize my own.  Those people who ask just the right questions.  The questions that have just the right amount of barbs and point-i-ness to get at the core of who you really are, instead of who you are trying to be.  Who I am, rather than who I am trying to be.  But in a gentle loving way…

So, today, on my most favorite-est of days “Wednesday” Jamie Ridler, chanteuse and weaver of creative magic asks us “What do you wish to learn?”  Isn’t she impishly clever?  I mean, how simple a question is that on the surface?  Now…wait for it…waiiiiit for it…. yup, there, got you too didn’t it?  Yup.  Are you like me?  Do you wish to learn underwater-basket-weaving, while saving manatee while having a personal Klingon coaching session?  My kidding only goes so far, but this is close.

So? What do I wish to learn? 

I wish to learn the patience required to learn one thing (either mostly or completely) prior to moving on to the next thing I want to learn.  I think this hearkens back to last week’s wish for “Completion.”

But yes, in the midst of all I wish to learn, I wish to learn to be a more diligent, focused, dare I say “Single-minded” student when it comes to learning the things I set before myself.

Wow… see, Jamie does it again.  No therapist required.  Just actually sitting with my brain long enough to allow the answer to fall out on its own.

If you too would like to benefit from or simply witness the wild-wooly-world of Wishcasting Wednesday, please check out Jamie’s site at www.jamieridlerstudios.ca  – alternately you can pester her and many other fine creative-types on Twitter at @Starshyne

Shelly and the Sunsetting over the Mississippi

In my world… a world that contains creativity and love and support there is a magical place called “Jamie Ridler Studios” and each day it is worth scouring her site for something  inspirational, or just good food for thought.  Every Wednesday, Jamie prompts us to reach into that deepest part of ourselves, and pull jewels out of our souls.  It is a practice called “Wishcasting Wednesday” and if you are reading, you are participating.

Today Jamie asks “What do you wish to begin?”  I laugh and ask, “What don’t I wish to begin.”

I’m a strange bird, it’s been affirmed, accepted, I’ve grown used to and comfortable with my mottle-colored, irregularly shaped feathers.  I have a lot of Hawk energy in me by nature.  The ability to look out and see what’s on the horizon, the energy to create, to start, but it’s always so difficult for me to finish.  I’ve often thought my dream job would be as a consultant for start-ups.

Today I wish to begin finishing.  Today I wish to begin with the completion of all of those tasks, projects, assignments, books, etc I’ve been sitting on since I lost my mind at some point almost four years ago.  I got caught up in myself… I kept looking to the future and beginning things without thought for how much I was taking on.

Today I wish to begin living now, here, as I am, not as I see the future, just working toward the future that I see instead of trying to be immediately in it without doing the work to get there.

I wish to begin clearing out my life of those projects which no longer serve me or for which there is no real need for my attention, that which I can give to others if it is important enough for the world.

I wish to begin to kick the mental dust off of my life from those long ago dreams, attached with bell-cords so that every thought of them brings me to a halt of despair at another in-completion.

I wish to begin the emptying of my life so that I can bring forth the life that sings to me under the surface of the clutter.  I can hear her, her soft sweet voice, not a siren, not a banshee, nor a harpy, but rather she is a lightly-winged faerie, who also wishes for me to begin… the beginning.

Now, what is it that YOU wish to begin?

Wishcasting has meant a number of things to me recently.  A steady practice, it happens every Wednesday.  Community, I have this where I am, but here I feel…beautifully anonymous? Kind of.  Being witnessed, a Dancemeditation practice of which I am very fond, but hardly get to do.

Wishcasting also means I am asked questions, such seemingly simple questions, that often rock me to the core of who I think I am/was before I read Ms. Ridler’s prompt.  Jamie Ridler (on Twitter @starshyne) each Wednesday opens a beautiful space with a single wishing prompt (question) for anyone who would like to join a group of lovely souls who so graciously and respectfully support one another in breathing sparkly, glittery life into each person’s wish.

And so it is Wednesday, and I revel at the auspiciousness of Wednesday and “W”s.

I’m not sure why this keeps coming back into my head, but I am attaching this YouTube link for a Sesame Street cartoon from my youth (I don’t remember how youthful…please don’t ask   ‘W’! is for WILLLLHELMINA!  I think today’s “YAY ME!” put this little gem back in my head, I’d been free of it for about a week now, but “YAY ME!” has some bizarre stuff for my psyche.

It has taken me the better part of 18 years to accept compliments.  I used to (I guess I still) do things that would single me out, set me apart from others in certain realms (athletics in particular) and this caused me no end of heartache growing up.  I was unable to accept compliments graciously because somewhere…somehow, on the backside of the compliment, there it was, some-one’s ire… just waiting for me.  I mentally attached doing well and receiving recognition with becoming an outcast, or worse the subject of attention that was not always ‘good.’  People thought I was arrogant. They were right, I was, but I didn’t realize that’s what I was.   My lesson was a long time effort; learning the difference between, arrogance and just being happy I did something well.

So, I guess (as distainful as it feels to do?) I ‘d like to acknowledge myself for the following, and not necessarily in any order of importance or value:

• For learning to graciously accept compliments without letting them go to my head or beating myself up later.
• For struggling with and maintaining personal relationships when I get frustrated and feel it would be easier to walk away.
• For stepping out of my “Angel” closet and acknowledging that I have gifts I’ve hidden my whole life.
• For continuing to hit my wall, look at my demons, and still move forward, push through and not loose my mind… entirely.
• For owning a business that serves a community in a singular way.
• For (as Tabitha said) wearing my heart on my sleeve and being okay with that.
• For learning what pushes my buttons, understanding why and being able to recognize when it’s happening and stop myself from reacting when it does.
• For reaching out and finding new friends and acknowledging that I need to let go of some old friends.
• For not beating myself up every time I miss a deadline or make a mistake.
• For maintaining an evolving, self-revealing and often challenging life-relationship of 16 years that has spanned at least 4 different versions of myself.
• (As Holly said) For simply continuing to show up.
• For through these blogs, continually showing you all ALL of the sides of me without hesitation or regret… and continuing to show up even after I go to bed with the chilling voice in my head saying “You wrote whaaat?”

And so it is.  Thank you Wishcasters, Dreamweavers and Sparkly Souls.

And if you haven’t particpated yet… What is it that you would like to be acknowledged for?

~Shamsi~The Acknowledged.

It’s funny, I think I initially joined Jamie’s Wishcasting group to have the support of a group.  More than that, to be supported.  I’ve been going through this tremendous period of transition over the last year and a half.  I know that it sounds like a long time for someone to transition, but I’m a person fairly resistant to change; although I do love changes once I’ve made them.

I suppose if I went back through this blog since I started Wishcasting back in June, I would see that there is a running theme of  me transforming.  But I feel like I want to have patience with this and really soak it up for all it’s worth.  I’m a chrysalis kind of person when I transform.  I dissolve, I pupate, I emerge.  I like this process, but I don’t think I’ve ever truly given it its due.  Now, as I sit staring at the question “Who is the “you” you wish to be?”  I know now is the time to set the intention of who I wish to be during this period of “dissolution.”  Dissolution of my ego… of who I was/am… of “My World as I know it.”

When I was 27 I had my first experience in a sweat lodge.  During the second round of the sweat we were called on by the leader, “What do you wish to bring into your life?”  Believe it or not I do not remember what I said, although I remember the general feelings of knowing I felt trapped in my life and I wanted to get out.  During the third round of the sweat we were called on by the leader and asked, “What are you willing to give up in order to make space for what you wish to bring in?”  In a moment I will never forget, there was a dark resonant voice that filled my skull, and without knowing how I knew, but without any doubt, I knew it was the voice of  Panther’s spirit as She said, “Your Life as You Know it.”

I never looked back.  I never looked back because I knew it was my Path. For all the church going and Spirit that I had felt as a child, holding hands and singing hymns with my Grandparents on Sundays, I had never been spoken to like this, nor felt a power of such assurance enter my being as I did on that night sitting in the sweat lodge.

Today, with your support, with your generosity, kindness and assistance, I set the intentions for the “me” I wish to be, because again, I feel trapped.

Today, I acknowledge my Shadow, his name is RedWing – and now you know.  I met him once during meditation, in an ancient clearing in the jungles of Central America.  His face was painted black and red as he hovered over a steaming cauldron in the middle of the clearing, explaining to me all that he was and all that that meant to me.  While I worked with him for over a year in integration, I never fully understood what that meant, a baby stumbling through the darkness trying to embrace the darkest parts of my soul.

Now, nine years later, I stand ready to fully accept all that RedWing is to me, is in me and own the power that comes from fully accepting who I am in the shadow and the light.

I wish to be SHAMSI (sunny, sunlight, like the sun) but not as I am now, with the false pretenses that I can take on the world by myself or that I haven’t got problems, or issues mostly created by RedWing.  I wish to be Shamsi who lovingly gives light to the world around her as a reflection of her past experiences, fully exposed so that those around her can take strength in their own pain and realise that they too can be transformed, fully.  I wish to be the Shamsi who, when necessary can plunge head-long into the Shadow and come back without fear or regret of what will be lost when she returns.  I wish to be the Shamsi who unflinchingly accepts, tells and stands in Truth not because it is necessary or right, but because it is the only thing Shamsi knows to do.

The me I wish to be is Shamsi RedWing, the Light and the Dark, the sun and the shadow, the fullness of my being.

Aho Mitaquiasin (All My Relations)

Brilliant! Whoa. HUGE – right?

“lemme splain. No, dere is too’mush, lemme sum up.” Inigo Montoya

Every Wednesday, Jamie Ridler invites each of us to participate in the wonderfully supported  madness known as “Wishcasting Wednesday.”  To join the fun, click the above link, add your name, then as Jamie so exquisitely says, “Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.”

Today we are asked “What door do you wish to open?”

My immediate thought is, “I don’t know.”  I’ve been mulling it over all morning and I’m still not sure.  This is kind of a big question.  I’ve been all about “Me” lately (just got a lot of funk to clear up/out) and the potential for this wish is quite literally huge… as are most weeks, but today I guess I feel my sense of self mingled with all of those around me in cascading ripples that wrap from one end of the Earth to the other.

So, maybe the wish for today is, “I wish to open the door between myself and my fellow humans.”  I’m sure that sounds kitsch, but at this moment, in a somewhat vulnerable state, it feels what I need/desire most. 

"Turn the Key, Door Opens" ~Mercan Dede

I wish to open the door between us so that I am able to do as I am constantly saying and “help people walk between worlds.”

This is what I do.  I do actually own the title “Dervish.”

Dervish comes from the root word in Persian is “Dar” meaning “door” or “to open.”  A Dervish is one who opens the door and assists others in passing through, or between.

I wish to open the door to the people of the world who wish to see me, and me to see them.