Shamsi

The changes came on subtly; almost unnoticeably.

I want to say they began with the birth control (the Nuvaring.)  But it could also have been that starting on birth control coincided with being 33… in general, aging.  A year later I found myself dancing less, returning to a desk job and in essence moving less.

As I said, the change was subtle.  I saw myself becoming ‘puffier,’ gaining roundness, loosing definition.  Sometime after that, the stiffness in my joints set in.  For the last few months I’ve been battling water retention and knee pains.  The pain in my knees probably bothers me the worst since I haven’t felt like this since I was in high school playing volleyball.  Additionally, my menses has stopped; “typical,” according to my gynecologist, for someone who stays on the Nuvaring.  So, I feel edgy, bloated, weak, and spaced out prior to when my menses should occur, without the benefits of the actual menses.  Relatively late in my adult life, I came to see the benefits of menses (aside from letting me know I am not pregnant): natural detoxification, emotional release, and in general – ‘letting go,’ I now find myself missing this very natural process of release that so many women would gladly give up?

Yesterday the onset of a bout with sciatica was making itself noticeable in small perceptible ways, but in ways I was unable to usefully or fully combat at a desk job, coupled with a day of fasting, and the too much (necessary) activity of teaching two classes after work.  By the time I arrived home the pain in my hips and legs had spread to my lower back making it annoying to walk.  By the time I made it to the bed, sitting, lying or even being still for more than 30 seconds was intensely painful.

I tried the heating pad, but had to keep shifting my position, uncomfortably.  At midnight I had to get up and move around, found myself a banana to break the fast and actually took two “Aleve” (which I am never prone to doing) and prayed for the Angel’s assistance in helping me to relax and alleviate the pain enough to be able to sleep.

Sleep finally came, through what means I’m not entirely certain, but it was not a restful sleep.

Upon awaking, I still felt the soreness in my hips and a new stabbing pain behind my left knee where the muscles from my hamstrings were pulling so badly the night before.  I feel like an old woman and as I sit attempting to forgive myself for not taking better care of my body, I wonder at the exact series of steps I took to put my body in this condition.  I wonder at the length of time it has taken my body to reach this condition.  I wonder what steps I could have (should have) taken to keep my body from being in this place of pain, in this house of discomfort?

I have to forgive myself before I defeat my spirit into a place of depression and the ultimate downward spiral.  Then I need (must, will) be still, turn inward and listen to whatever it is that my body is trying to tell me, beyond, “HELP ME!”  I need to hear where I went wrong, again.  I need to hear what steps I took and didn’t take, what I plainly ignored and failed to notice before I arrived here.  I need another chance.

I am giving myself another chance.  I agree to let go of blame and recognize that I am human.  I agree to listen and do my best to pay attention and act upon my intuition and the voices of my body.  I will be gentle with and love myself.  I am not dead yet and I can change.  I am capable and willing to change.  I will change.